A Lament for Lily and Harry
by Emlyn
Summary: Her love for him was so strong it made miracles. readreview please!
1. Default Chapter

**TITLE:** A Lament for Lily  
**AUTHOR:** Emlyn  
**DESCRIPTION:** Lily wants desperately to be a mother but is afraid to let James know for reasons you will discover. This story is dedicated to the Lily's amazing love for her son that brought about miracles.  
**RATING:** G, so far  
**DISCLAIMER:** I do not own Harry Potter or any of the other names, places, etc. in this story. They belong to J.K. Rowling and Warner Brothers.   
  


* * *

  
_October 29, 1979, Order of the Phoenix Headquarters_  


"So why are we at this social thing?" James Potter complained to his wife as they stepped out of the fireplace together, both covered in soot. 

"It's not a 'social thing', it's a Halloween party," Lily said with a slight smile. "Don't worry, your fan club will be here as well." 

"Fan club!?" James protested. His voice was muffled by her hands as she was rubbing soot off his face. "I haven't got a fan club! Anyway --" He took her hands off his cheeks and caressed her fingers. "I'd much rather be spending the holiday at home with you." 

Lily rolled her eyes. "You flatter me," she said, shaking her head, refusing to play. 

James leaned forward and kissed her cheek and whispered into her ear, "Do you think we could both fit in the bathtub at once?" 

Lily could not supress her smile at this point -- but it was wasted, because just then the flames in the fireplace rose and turned green, and Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew were admitted. James left his wife's side without another word to greet his friends and Lily watched them with exasperated admiration. Chattering and arguing about what sort of Halloween pranks everyone deserved, they left the entrance hall and went into the dining hall where the party was taking place. Lily followed forlornly, and was greeted by a smiling Arthur Weasley when she stepped in the door. 

"Mr. Weasley! What are you doing here?" Lily said brightly, shaking his hand. 

"This party isn't restricted for Order members only, is it?" 

"No, of course not, thank goodness. I'd be quite lonely if it was. I don't suppose Molly's here?" 

Mr. Weasley gave her a bewildered glance. "Yes, she is. Didn't you know?" 

Lily shook her head. "Sorry. Know what?" She had a moment of panic, knowing Molly Weasley was pregnant and worrying -- "She's all right, isn't she?" 

Arthur Weasley threw back his head and laughed. "All right! She's perfect. And so are her sons." 

Lily gaped at him in delight. She'd had her baby, then! Not just a baby -- two babies! She turned around, scanning the guests gathered in small groups near the walls, the fire, at the tables -- "Where is she?" 

"Little Bill and Charlie've created a mess of the punch over there. She's in a frenzy. Thought I'd best shy away for a while." 

Lily laughed and started to move towards the table where she could make out among the guests flashes of red hair, then doubled back and kissed Mr. Weasley's cheek jubilantly. "Congratulations!" 

"Many thanks, Miss Ev -- well, Mrs. Potter, I suppose I mean!" Mr Weasley called after Lily as she bounded away happily to join Molly Weasley and her children. 

~* 

"Prongs, you didn't put Charlie Weasley up to the stinkbugs in the punch, did you?" Remus said accusingly to his friend. 

"No, I didn't! The boy found them outside and he thought they were chilly and might die in the cold." 

"And that they'd be safe in spiked punch?" Sirius retorted. 

"Spiked?" Peter said fearfully, peering into his glass. James elbowed Sirius. 

"Blow our cover, why don't you." 

"Wormtail!" Sirius exclaimed, knocking the wine out of his hand. "James told you --" 

"I didn't tell him! I told you to!" 

"I told _you_ to!" 

"James, you don't act much like a married man," Remus said, half-joking, half-scolding. James and Sirius stopped arguing. 

"No, I suppose I don't," James admitted. "Not around Sirius, anyway." 

"Lily acts very much like a married woman, though, doesn't she?" Peter put in, pointing across the room to Lily, who was speaking animatedly with Mrs. Weasley, being circled by Charlie and Bill. 

"Lily!? She acts like my mother! Always rubbing dirt off my --" James stopped midsentence when he caught sight of Lily, now holding one of the sleeping twins in her arms. 

"Always rubbing dirt off your what?" Sirius prodded, sniggering, but James didn't hear him. His gaze was fixed on Lily and he couldn't remove it. She was touching the baby's face with a bright smile, and there was a light in her eyes that James had never seen before. He was entranced by the scene . . . the sense of wholeness that seemed to eminate from her and the child in her arms. 

"James?" Remus asked, looking between James and Lily. "What is it?" 

James shook himself mentally. "Nothing . . . nothing." 

"Rubbing --" Sirius began. 

"Shut up, Padfoot!" James said, smacking him upside the head. 

"Ow! You wanna scuffle? Let's scuffle! Right here, right now!" 

"They need personal prefects, or something," Remus muttered to Peter. 

"Just so long as his wife doesn't come over, let them go at it," he said with a shrug. 

~* 

Later that night, Lily lay in bed staring out in the darkness, thinking. James was sleeping peacefully next to her. 

She remember a conversation they'd had soon after they'd been married, after James's beloved little sister had been murdured. 

_"It's my parents fault."  
"Your parents? James, how can you say that?"  
"How could they do it? How could they choose to bring a child in this world when they knew there are so many things wrong with it?"  
"If everyone lived by that, we'd die out, James . . ."  
"They could have at least waited! Our generation was better. There was no murder or constant terror -- this war has to stop sometime, doesn't it?"  
"I don't know. I don't know."  
"Tell me it will. Promise me it will. I need to hear that from you . . ."  
"Oh, James . . ."_

~* 

James was pulled out of his sleep abruptly. At first he couldn't figure out what had woken him, then realized that Lily was awake as well. She was lying on her side with her back to him, but he knew somehow she wasn't sleeping, and knew that was probably why he'd woken up. 

"Lily?" he whispered. 

Startled, she turned to him. "Did I wake you up?" 

He shook his head. "No. Are you all right?" 

"Yeah, I'm fine." She turned away from him again. 

James was silent for a moment. Then -- "Lily, you know you don't have to hide anything you're feeling from me, don't you?" 

_This I must hide,_ Lily thought to herself. _I don't know for how long . I don't know how long I can bear to keep it secret, but I must hide it._ "I'm not hiding anything," she said lightly. 

James didn't speak after that. He was silent, and moments passed, but then she felt his hand on her shoulder. 

Lily reached up and intertwined her fingers in his, drawing comfort from him . . . and James moved his arm around her, moved closer to her and pressed his lips to her hair, and put his hand on her belly, and Lily knew that she could not hide anything from her husband. 

TO BE CONTINUED... in a while. 


	2. Chapter 2

[**Author's Note:** If you read Chapter 1 a while ago you probably notice that I changed the Christmas scene to a Halloween scene to fit a plot. : : exhausted sigh: : This story has really fleshed out to be more than I expected when I started writing it!! Sorry for any confusion.... As always, I value your opnion! ~Emlyn]   
  


* * *

  


James was so lost in thought on his way to Headquarters the next morning he forgot to step out of the fireplace, and was forced back to his senses when the flames began to grow hot, turning into a normal fire again. He jumped out, dusting himself off, and then spotted Sirius at the end of the hallway at a different fireplace. 

"Hey! Sirius." 

"Oh, there you are! I was just gonna go get you." 

"I was looking for you. I -- um, I need to talk to you." 

"No kidding. You heard about the stuff going down?" 

They left the hallway together and went into the sitting room where the long wooden table was covered with maps and other bits of parchment. Most of the Order were there: Arabella Figg and Mungungus Fletcher were arguing, Mad-Eye Moody was whispering to Sturgis Podmore, and Remus was bent over a star chart. 

"No, I didn't hear," James said. He forced his thoughts of Lily to the back of his mind and went to Remus' side. "What's going on? Where's Peter?" 

"Out looking for Dumbledore. Mad-Eye Moody discovered something on this astrological calendar. We have very little time." 

"Until what?" James pressed. 

"November 1979." 

"Moony! Padfoot!" James said indignantly. "What going to happen in November?" 

Sirius and Remus exchanged glances. Remus looked at James with an exhausted expression. "The end of the world." 

~* 

"Who's in for a scary story?" Dedalus Diggle addressed the entire Order of the Phoenix. "How about the history of All Hallow's Eve?" 

"Dedalus, dear," Arabella interrupted. "Normally we all enjoy your pointless banter in these official meetings, but right now we're a little pressed for time." 

There was a titter of laughter that died quickly when Diggle put up his hands and began. "All right. To the point, then. Most of us here know the story of Halloween -- night before the first of November, all the ghosts and spookies would be released into the waking world to wreak havoc, some Druids centuries ago got the idea to dress up like spookies as well so the true spookies would think they're on their side --" 

"Mr. Diggle!" Sirius exclaimed from James's left side. "I want to request that you refrain from using the word 'spookies' from this point on. I am beginning to grow angry when I hear it." 

"_Padfoot_," Lupin said warningly. 

"All right," Sirius ammended. "Now I think we're all wondering why this Halloween is going to be different." 

There was general murmur of agreement and Diggle put up his hands again. "I was getting to that. The difference is that usually during October 31, the sp -- ghosts come out, have fun, and retreat back to the ghost world where they belong when the sun rises on November 1st. Not this year. This year . . ." He shuffled anxiously on the table. "This year we have reasons to believe You-Know-Who is going to attempt to disallow the re-entrance of the ghosts back to their world." 

There was a very long moment of silence, but not for the reasons one might expect. 

"That can't be all bad, can it?" an Order member spoke up, voicing James's confusion. "I've got two ghosts boarding in my flat going on ten years now and they don't bother me at all." 

"Yeah, but think!" Diggle said excitedly. "This is _You-Know-Who_ we're talking about! The ghosts we are familiar with are the ones that chose to stay behind. The rest of the dead are at peace, until the night of Halloween raises them and they are thrust unwilling into the world of the living. I'm certain half of those spirits are halfway decent, but -- the other half . . . and imagine, just imagine what a ghost would feel if he was unable to go back to being dead in peace? They didn't choose to be ghosts. They want to be sleeping eternally. So what actions would they be pushed to do if You-Know-Who refused to let them return to where they belong even after the sunrise of November 1st." 

"He's making an army, then," Mad-Eye Moody said, more to himself than anybody, though everyone heard it. "He's gonna use these angry ghosts to lash out at his enemies." 

It was instinct for most of the Order to pass off Mad-Eye Moody's comments as paranoid, but this one nobody could argue with. 

"What is Dumbledore advice?" asked Emmeline Vance. But Diggle leapt off the table, shaking his head. 

"I don't know. We won't know that until Pettigrew gets back." 

Sirius and Remus turned towards James and the three Marauders talked about the possible remedies for the situation -- rather, Sirius and Remus talked. They didn't notice that James was silent, only half-listening to their conversation. There was a spark in his heart, a flare of hope that he hardly dared to confront, but couldn't help noticing -- 

So the dead would come to his world . . . 

_Katie . . ._

~* 

Peter returned to the meeting with much to say, possibly too much for his mind to take, and definitely too much to say in front of a crowd of people, so first he pulled his friends aside and passed the information along to them. 

"Dumbledore's left the country immediately to find out exactly where these breaches are that Voldemort plans to permanently open on Halloween. There are a few here in England -- one at the Ministry, of course, and one in Surrey -- but there are several in America -- and hundreds in Africa." 

"_Hundreds?_" Sirius repeated, shocked. He slumped back in his chair, biting his lip in a manner of defeat. "Even Dumbledore can't move that fast. How's he supposed to stop them all from being opened in twenty-four hours?" 

"Dumbledore says he knows he can't. He says that's where we come in -- a bunch of us are gonna have to go on a mission to travel all over the world to help him close these openings." 

Lily entered the dining hall then, looking frenzied, and James perked up. He got up and went over to her. "Where've you been?" he said, unable to keep away the slight annoyance in his voice. 

Lily's eyes searched his. "I'm sorry . . . I went over to Molly Weasley's for breakfast. Dumbledore contacted me there -- I came as soon as I could." 

James was momentarily distracted from the Halloween dilemma by wondering what she was talking about to Mrs. Weasley. Remembering what had happened last night, he decided he probably knew very well what they were talking about. James felt a slight sense of guilt move in over his anger, and he took his wife's hand and their eyes locked, profuse apologies being silently expressed both ways. 

Before Sirius had the chance to pretend to throw up, James and Lily removed contact and went into business mode. 

"Remus, can you address the Order and tell them what's going on?" Remus nodded. "And don't forget to ask for volunteers," he added grimly. "I'll be first on the list." 

"I didn't want to request you, mate," Remus said gently with a glance at Lily. "But I must say you're probably the first one Dumbledore thought of when he told Peter he needed the Order to become involved." 

James nodded sincerely, and pulled Lily into the hallway to explain what was going on as Remus spoke to the rest of the Order. When he had finished telling her, she looked less than shocked. She looked more . . . concerned. 

"You don't look scared that ghosts might take over the world," he noted. 

"No. I'm more scared for you," she said. James looked at her, bewildered. 

"This can't be the most dangerous thing I've ever done," he said with a smile. 

"James, I don't think you should go." James looked at her, startled. "You're going to be distracted from what you have to do and you -- or someone else -- is going to get hurt." 

Her green eyes were painfully piercing. She knew, then. James only shook his head. How could she know so much about him by reading his eyes and yet understand so little? 

"I understand what you're feeling," Lily said, making James flinch. _Like she'd felt my thoughts._

"You heard Remus -- I'll do well in this mission. I must go." 

"Then I'm coming with you," Lily said with a tone of finality, and she started to walk determinedly back into the dining hall, but James caught her arm. 

"No, I don't want you to go. I don't want you putting your life in danger." 

"That's what I just said to you and you brushed me off!" Her anger flared characteristically quick her eyes flashed at him. "I know you'd do well in this mission, so you don't have to brag about that to me! I also know very well exactly why you want to do this so badly, and this is what I want: I want you to do is listen to reason and not go off and endanger the lives of your co-workers by seeking personal closure! If I'm not going with you, then I'm not going to let you --" 

"_I need to see my sister,_" James said, his voice tight with desperation. 

Upon seeing his face as he said this, Lily's anger ebbed away faster than it had come on, and she moved near to him and put her arms around him. 

James was still frustrated for a moment, but soon his emotions forced him to resign to her comforting embrace. He held on to her tightly, fighting back a lump in his throat. Lily pressed her lips to James's neck. 

"I know you're hurting," she whispered, "but this isn't the way to cure it. You've lost too much . . . don't risk more." 

"That's why I need you to stay here," James whispered back. "Lily . . . last night . . ." 

But what he'd wanted to say about last night Lily did not know, because just then the door from the dining hall opened and Sirius poked his head out. James and Lily separated immediately. 

"Sorry, lovers, but I must tear you apart, tragically. The ark leaves tomorrow morning at sunrise." 

~* 

Sirius's jocular words had more meaning than he knew. Dumbledore had sent a message to the Order that there were no less than 541 openings scattered all over the world that Voldemort was sending Death Eaters and other followers of the Dark side -- vampires, giants, etc. -- to open at the designated time: 12:00 AM Halloween. The Order was greatly outnumbered. Nearly everyone who was able chose to go, but even so, that only made 36. It seemed this mission was going to take a lot more time than originally thought. It was estimated that those involved would have to be on duty for a minimum of three weeks before they succeeded in closing all of the portals. And that calculated without yet inlduding the probably that Voldemort would attempt to deter their progress. 

"A month?" Lily said to James the night before he had to leave. She was sitting on the bed, her legs tucked under her, watching James going back and forth across the room as he packed his trunk. 

"I don't like it any more than you do," he said. "And I'll remember what you said." He stopped packing to look in her eyes promisingly. "I won't do anything stupid while I'm there, like -- 'seek personal closure', okay?" 

Lily didn't laugh at his mockery of her. James sat down on the bed next to her and put his hand on her shoulder. She didn't move. 

"You still don't want me to go, do you?" 

She didn't do anything to respond except look away and nudge his hand off her shoulder. 

"Lily, please, I don't want to leave you like this," James pleaded. 

At this Lily turned to him, eyes bright with tears and hope. "Then don't go!" 

"Lily . . ." He only looked at her and she nodded. With that resignation, she started to cry. 

"Four weeks . . ." 

James's heart filled for her, and he touched her arm again. This time she did not shrug it away, but instead put her arms around him, feeling powerfully that he was going to put his life in danger, and feeling as though she could not get close enough to him; she crawled in his lap and wrapped her legs around his waist and pressed her face into his robes, crying. "Lily . . . darling Lily, I will come back." With his hands he tilted her face up to his and kissed her lips. 

"You don't know that," Lily protested, still tearful. 

"I know what you've been aching for," James told her. His fingers brushed her lips. "A life beyond battles and death and these endless struggles with evil . . ." 

Lily smiled, half-embarassed, through her tears, and nodded in admittance. "It's selfish of me. I mean, I know you --" 

"-- would like nothing more on this earth than see a child in your arms?" James interrupted. 

Lily fell silent as she looked at him, eyes welling with tears once more, but this time out of pure happiness. 

"That is why I know I will come back alive," James said with certainty. "Because I know what I have here to live for." 

Lily pressed her forehead against her husband's. "I love you so much," she said, her voice trembling with emotion. 

He kissed her lips again, but this time the kiss was different. It was for comfort, like always, but also for sadness -- happiness -- gratefulness -- desperation -- passion -- and purpose. As they kissed James drew Lily carefully down in bed with him. 

And though it was't there first time, they knew that even loving whispers and promises could not stave off the possibility that it might be their last. 


End file.
